Q.How did you come up with the idea of writing Chaos to Calm: Dealing with Difficult People?
A. The book was a result of my second Public Broadcasting Service(PBS) special in the U.S. where PBS stations asked me if I wanted to do a PBS special. I had done one previously on stress and so they asked me to do the second one on dealing with difficult people. They wanted my PBS special to be plate special and wanted my book to have something to encourage people to subscribe. As a psychologist, I had been doing seminars on how to deal with difficult people and stress for 27 years. In addition to seeing individuals, what I do most is corporate trainings, presentations and conferences around the world on different subjects. So, I took the material from my presentations and put it into a book form.
Q. What exactly can we do to make people understand the impact of their actions?
A. It is important to see if the person is at the lower brain, because in that condition, you cannot explain anything to them. They are not in the part of brain that processes data, so they will not understand it. In turn, they will take it as criticism and defend the very behaviour that you want them to change.
You have to focus on solutions. When I encourage people on how to work with difficult people, I always tell them to talk about the future and never about the past, because the past is about who is right, who is wrong and who is to be blamed. The future is about correcting the behaviour with a long-term perspective and goal.
Q. Based on your experience, do you agree that most people with difficult personalities live in their past?
A. They constantly live in fear that they have something wrong in them. They find themselves in difficult situation with people all the time. Their greatest fear is that there is something wrong with them, so they cannot hear you mentioning that. It is not the totality of who they are. I encourage people to not generalise. It is important to engage with them and encourage them to change their behaviour.
Q. How many personalities/ personality traits have you come across?
A. There are different ways of looking at it. A lot of professionals who work with difficult people come up with nice names for them. I do not believe in doing that. But, I do acknowledge that we all have different ways of processing data, making decision, organising our lives and communicating with others. So, when I work with people, I conduct a personality test to know what kind of person he or she is. It is important to instill a sense of belief in them so that they are not scared of facing the difficult situations.
Q. Do these personality tests always work?
A. No psychological test is totally accurate as the human brain is too complex. There are a few measures of accuracy that you want to check: is it valid and is it reliable. The best thing about myers test is that it is proper and valid when it is given properly and the results are helpful when they are used properly. There are other tests like MMPI to determine whether you are a good person now. So, you always want to take the test with a pinch of salt and you want the person who gives the test to see the result and comment on it, because they are the better judges of themselves.
Q. Can you suggest some test that can he helpful from an organisation and HR’s point of view?
A. Briggs Myers test is the ideal one. It is easily found and easy to use. There is another one called as Disc which gives similar kind of information. There is another test called Birkman. There are lots of tests around them. But the question is, should these tests be used to deal with difficult people, because regardless of the result of these tests, a person is termed difficult or not difficult depending on what part of brain he or she has. I prefer seeing how the brain processes the information so that I am confident about where I come from and how I can deal with difficult people.
Q. What can HR do to make a difficult person more positive?
A. People are most positive and optimistic on first day, and that is where the HR comes into play. The HR should make sure that employees are clear about their objectives and what is required of them. But, the major problem starts when employee spends a year in the organisation and start being difficult. This is the time when the HR must get into action and encourage them to change their behaviour. At this time it is recommended that you handle the difficult person in a rational manner by identifying what they want from the organisation. Once you have identified that, you make it clear to them that you are here to help them.
The next step you must take is to tell them that to achieve their goals, they have to prove that they are up for the job. In this way, you are not talking about their old behaviour but concentrating on what they can do to achieve their goals in present. After that, you have to keep track of their progress.
Q. Are there any personality traits that cannot be changed and are too dangerous for the organisation?
A. For starters, there is a sociopath who does not care except for his or her own good. They will do or say anything just to achieve their goals. But the good thing is that they are small in proportion. HR can use any method of identifying difficult people and setting up to change them by identifying which part of brain are they coming from.
Q. How would you define a personalty?
A. Personality is a tendency to think and behave in a certain way. Trying to name different personalities with different terms is for medical community to do. There is a new kind of of psychology called positive psychology by Brian Sullegman and Mikael Sickchiwai. They do not study the problem but the solution. They study the reasons behind a person’s success. I look at the tendencies of people and where they are coming from. Most of the negative tendencies come from lower brain. So, I try and shift their thinking from lower to upper brain.
Q: How can HR work towards changing a person’s negativity and turning it to the benefit of the company?
A. HR has to convince the person to change because the person takes it as criticism and starts his wrong behaviour. The important thing here is to make sure the change they bring in themselves is better from individual’s and organisation’s perspective.
